arethusa

This morning, I was working on an entry about my first boyfriend.
I was suddenly nostalgic due to viewing his photos on Facebook.
Memories of us remain fresh in my mind; you never forget the first love, right?
I still think that if I make the trip over to Germany and find him, I'll just collapse in his arms and we'll revert back to our 15-year-old selves and he'll chuckle and call me 'Fat head'.

Now, I'm not holding on to that hope, mind you. I understand that we're two people on different paths in life.

...still... if those paths should somehow cross as they have once before...

Anyway, I keep telling myself that I'll gather the energy to actually roll out of bed and prepare for my trip next month... and yet I end up staying up all night and sleeping through the day. What's worse, I find myself searching for food in the wee hours of the morning when fine restaurants have gone and closed for the evening.
And when you're not in the mood for Waffle House or Taco Bell, you get a bit irritated at the lack of late night eateries.

In any case, this post is going nowhere and I had nothing poignant/moving/significant to say in the first place. I suppose I just felt like writing. I do intend to post more once I embark on my trip (I'm told there's wi-fi). Maybe pictures too?

houttuynia

I attended my job's Christmas Party the other night.
As I entered the more than spacious ballroom they reserved, hundreds of people sitting at round tables with poinsettia centerpieces, I realized that I was alone in a sea of 30-40 year old married couples.
But that sort of fueled some kind of fire in me.
I notice that the more challenging/difficult/uncanny a situation is, the more gutsy I become (like a hyper "I-don't-give-a-fuck" mode).
So every spot at a table had a glass of water, a glass of tea, and a salad... but to me, it just looked like people were sitting in all the empty spots at a table. So I pretty much just strut my way to a table that was entirely empty and sat alone (at one moment, I joked and pretended to talk to the rest of the table. I mean... I found it funny).
Eventually, the table behind me offered an empty seat they had.
Occupancy at their table: Three couples... and me.

And I'm not saying all of this to emphasize the sentiment that I was alone at the party.
...well, maybe I am... but in any case, I didn't care too much.
Toward the end of the night, I ended up by myself again. Another co-worker invited me to sit with him and his crew at their table but it then essentially became them chatting away while I listened (aka being by myself in a group of people).
I don't aim to engage in anti-social behavior. It's just some odd mix of not speaking unless I'm spoken to and taking the time to actually listen to people instead of running my mouth (something I've noticed that people do waaay too much). Sometimes I believe that people just... need to listen...
So I do.

I'm being the change I want to see in the world?

Whatever. I looked good that night. Only got one compliment on my outfit.

I think that upset me more than anything.

pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

Alright, so I got laid this past weekend.
To be honest, it was just to scratch an itch, therefore, there won't be many details to share.
Besides the fact that he was a bit older than me and liked for me to call him 'daddy'.
Also, if I closed my eyes and ran my hands along his hips, they felt like granite (he was a former bodybuilder).
Anyway, things at work are well. For my nomination, I had to go before a board of my superiors for an interview. I didn't know what to expect, causing me to behave in a somewhat nonchalant manner. Hopefully, I didn't come off too aloof.
On top of that, I've had plenty of running around to do in preparation for a business trip for next month. Much of the tasks I have to accomplish during the day, which means I have to skip work in order to accomplish them. This leaves me beyond exhausted when I get home (this week alone, I've fallen asleep at my laptop about a dozen times). Despite adjusting my sleep schedule accordingly, I guess that nocturnal lifestyle is something my body prefers.

prink

I believe I'm either nominated or have been selected as employee of the month at my job.

Which is funny because I hardly think I deserve it. I mean... I just get out there and go to work.
Then again, with the people I work with, maybe that's the reason why.
Not saying that everyone I work with just bullshits around...
...but when it comes to it, I complain the least when it comes to doing work.

I have not bought plane tickets to go home for Christmas/New Year's, mainly because I'm unsure of how long I'll be able to be gone for. We're given the choice to work either on Christmas or New Year's and I've decided to work Christmas; I'm not that much of a fan of it in the first place.

I'm trying to run more. I've decided to get up and run at least two miles a few times a week, maybe like two or three. The place I run is this huge bridge that has a light show on it every night.

It's pretty because it shifts patterns from multicolored to just one color and it'll flash and whatnot. Reminds me of the Northern Lights when I used to live in Alaska. I miss seeing them; even as a kid, I knew that the colors in the sky was something amazing. My dad was actually surprised when his son, just in 2nd grade, told him "Duh, daddy, that's the aurora borealis."
In any case, it'll be a joy to return home to see my family and friends and lay around and do nothing in the house.

I also hope I get laid.

...what? It's been a dry year for me.

crzette

Went out to a neat little bar in downtown St. Louis.
Its specialty was vodka and there was a little section inside that was an actual freezer filled with vodka and you go in and take shots.
The temperature inside the freezer was a constant 32 degrees Farenheit, hence the name of the club, "Ernie's 32 degrees" or something. But it was really nice.
Furthermore, I made it my mission to get the DJ to play Robyn's "Dancing on my Own".

(If you hadn't noticed, I suck that woman's non-existent cock)

He played it and I promptly lost my ever-loving mind. In a recent video to her fans, Robyn said that she hoped her album made people "...dance and cry at the same time." And I love that.
I mean, generally you'd think Damn, bitch, why you tryna make me cry when I'm getting my groove on. But I love that she took that other side of human emotion and brought it into the club, especially when songs right now are about getting drunk and how good tonight's going to be and how fly you are and what you're going to do with your hair; it's nice to hear a song like "Dancing on my Own" that touches on those feelings you tried to get away from when you came to the club in the first place.

cleveite

Sorry 'bout that.

Been very busy lately. Which has taken a toll on my writing, unfortunately. I'm due to test for a promotion at my job so a lot of my time has been spent studying. Combine that with almost a week and a half of 12-hour shifts and the only thing I can manage when I get home is sleep.
It's still on my mind though. I've left my Main Character in an abandoned McDonald's.
I will say though that part of me feels like Gwen Stefani in her "What You Waiting For" video. In it, she explains to her producer that the reason she isn't in the studio working on her new album is because she isn't inspired.
And I haven't felt too inspired lately. I think a lot of it has to do with my recent viewing of that television series The Walking Dead.
It was really difficult to watch knowing that, in my mind, I was trying to think of scenarios and characters and whatnot that was kind of based on the same setting. It had a kind of draining effect. Now I just feel like my story will be subconsciously influenced by the t.v. show (which was really good, by the way).

Lastly, as the year draws to a close and the holidays start barraging us all with the familiar color scheme of reds and greens, I can't help but feel slightly agitated and grumpy. Call me Scrooge or a Grinch if you will, but I'm seriously despising this... holiday season (I honestly, didn't even feel like typing out 'holiday season'. Ew, I did it again).
It's something about all the fuss and hustle and bustle that turns me off hardcore. A cynicism just goes into overdrive. Plus, I think there's something about it all that makes me sad. I can't pinpoint it though. However, it manifests itself when I don't ask for gifts. If others purchase presents for me, that's one thing; I'm grateful. But I don't buy things for others and I don't ask for anything. I'd rather give friends/family a present when they least expect it.

Maybe that's where it comes from. Forget this one time a year crap--
Why can't we exhibit that...(ugh) Christmas Spirit... all year? Why just at the end?

pneumogastric

So I've started writing for National Novel Writing Month and the story I'm attempting to write is based in a zombie apocalyptic world.
That said, one aspect I've had to address is weaponry.
What will my character(s) (I haven't decided if I want/need more than just my main character) use to defend themselves against the undead.
I was a bit surprised at a weapons catalog I discovered in my mailbox today. Browsing through it was a bit of an eye opener as to the many ways we've come to develop tools for self-defense or stabbing or shooting or whatever the case may be.
I think one of the most interesting items was the Punisher sword. Cool as it may look, I'm unsure if I want someone fighting off zombies with a blade on his arm. That means close-combat. And to me, I want the possibility of being bitten very slim. Then again, maybe another character can use the sword-- someone who loves a good fight with his trusty arm blade.
As for my main character, I'm leaning more and more to him using archery as his primary way of dispatching foes. I understand that it'd be a bit cumbersome for him to carry around a bow with a quiver of arrows or even a crossbow with a pack of bolts but on the plus side, he'd be felling enemies in a somewhat quieter manner than blasting away with an Uzi. To me (and him), the less noise, the better... unless you're into attracting more zombies to your raucous behavior.
So far, I've only written a prologue. I spend a lot of my other time sort of plotting where I want the story to go and just who my main character is. For the most part, I want him to be like me. Not a carbon copy, mind you, but enough like me so that it's easier for me to feel how he feels and identify with his methods. That way I don't get caught up in 'Well, why would my character do that? That's not congruent with his personality.'

Anyway, I'll admit, I'm a bit excited this time around. My main character is about to embark on a journey and he and I both have no clue what we're going to encounter.
But it's going to be fun.

forwhy

There's a guy I work with that's probably the closest I have to a friend around here (outside of my roommate, of course).
Even though he works a different shift and we hardly see each other, I probably speak to him the most out of all my other co-workers.
And what's even more interesting is that I find myself trying to fight back a smile each time he talks to me.
I mean, it's not like I like him or anything (...okay, I had a small crush initially, but I'm over it).
All we ever do, for the most part, is talk about video games or other nerdy stuff.
Maybe that's why I smile... I sort of feel like he is a friend.

And it's a bit of a phenomena because at work, I'm in work mode.
There's things that we have to take care of. We can either talk about it or do it.
No idle chatter or horseplay (...I work around a bunch of painfully stereotypical straight men), let's just take care of what we need to in the most efficient manner.
What's fun though is recognizing the personalities of everyone I work with.
Despite them all being able to talk about sports or cars or women, they all behave differently.

I work with a spoiled brat and a 'Papa Bear' and a southern gentleman and a tough girl and a stupid sexy guy and an easy-going prankster...
Just a ragtag crew. Never a dull moment.

forby

After nearly two weeks of not talking, I decided to call the ol' boyfriend this past Sunday. I figured since he'd reached his little epiphany earlier, maybe he'd mellow out and just be cool, y'know?
He didn't.
He was still an ignorant dolt.
He called me today but I didn't answer.
In other news, NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) is in November. I've sort of been a participant since '08. And I say "sort of" because I haven't been able to actually... write a novel each of those times.
But this year is different (...I hope).
Because for once, I have an idea that I think I'd like to write about.
I have yet to flesh out details; plot/character/setting development is tricky for me sometimes.
And for me, in order for me to write something, I have to like it (e.g. I like myself... SO I WRITE ABOUT ME. /narcissism).
But like I said, I'm kind of looking forward to NaNoWriMo this year. If work doesn't get in the way, I at least want to accomplish a decent amount of writing.
It sort of amuses me whenever strangers ask what I do and I say "I'm a writer" ...and I haven't actually written anything since a creative writing class I took back in college.
But I am a writer, dammit.
And I'm going to write.

frankalmoign

So then he's like:
"This is not to anger you or to make you "feel" any certain way. But I don't appreciate your sarcastic tones and condescending attitude (especially towards someone who doesn't deserve it). "I'm reading to far into it?" I don't need you to tell me how deep I should delve just because you seem to have lost your fervor, and in all your silence have yet to really listen. If you had you would have known that all I really wanted was for us to remain in contact; to help each other through times of need, and to build a friendship upon the idea that we once loved each other.
I have not kept in touch with you because I felt that I needed to. I have called you (sometimes daily) because I wanted to. It's not difficult for me to make friends. It's not difficult for me to find someone that finds me physically and mentally attractive. I won't be alone. I've kept in touch with you because I adored you and thought that I understood you. But the closer I come to understanding you the farther you push me away, and ironically, the more complicated you become. Maybe friendship between former lovers is, indeed, impossible. So I won't be calling everyday, or even every week. I'm not saying that I'm never going to call again. Because I will. But I'm not going to beg anyone for anything. I'm not going to force a relationship on a situation that is uncommunicative. Being the quiet type is one thing. This has become another. It's a waste of my time. And someone else deserves it.
I will truly always love you. But I'm not going to do this anymore. I have too many good things about me to get off the phone with you feeling like something is wrong with me or the way I think. So I hope you find yourself in your new home. And I hope you find someone that can get through to you. I love you. I'm mad at you. But I love you."

 I'm glad he's taking my advice (after telling him to do so for the past eight months).

coevally

Sometimes I obsess about specific foods.
For instance, pizza is a prime example.
I love pizza. Not only are there about 21 different styles of it, but it's so versatile when it comes to the different toppings. I mean, you can throw anything on a pizza.
Lately, I've been obsessing over croissants, white chocolate and cranberry oatmeal cookies, mangosteen juice, mozzarella sticks, and aloe water.
And, of course, I went and bought all of these items when I went to the grocery yesterday.
It'll all probably be gone by tomorrow, knowing me.

I think I've said it before, but I'm attracted to sad things. This includes love songs.
Because I'm sure we're all aware of the 'good' side of love.
But there's the other side too, which can't go ignored for all that long.

I've been listening to this song for months now. Sure, it's danceable and whatnot, but its bittersweet nature is what seals the deal for me. Plus, minus the whole 'I'm-watching-you-kiss-a-girl' thing and the mention of stilettos, it's pretty much the story of my life when I go out to clubs.

Moving on, my roommate will be moving out come the beginning of next year and then I'll officially be alone. I'm gonna move into a new apartment by myself and just live that solitary life. In actuality, I'm looking forward to it. And it's in this time that I'll probably look into getting a dog. I'm leaning toward a Rottweiler, but I'm open to other breeds (except for the super small ones. I'm always afraid I'll kick or even step on them).

st. elmo

You know, days like this, I really don't know what to do with myself.
I just find it harder and harder to scrounge up motivation to do anything (besides playing a video game).
Even typing this was a feat. But I figured 'why not?'
I mean, is this depression or something?
All I want to do now is go to work, come home, game, and sleep.
I hardly eat because I never buy food because I'm too lazy to go to the grocery store.
And on the rare occasion that I do go to the store and buy food, I'll come home and eat a majority of it on that same day, leaving me with nothing to eat for the next week or so.
What's my damage?

I almost feel stale.
I'm dull. Like some antique. Except I lack their fragile beauty; their hidden, story-filled past.

Like... what am I supposed to do? As much as I enjoy doing nothing, how do I begin doing something?

(And the fact that I have to ask that is a bit unsettling.)

sostenuto

Suddenly, I feel like Fiona Apple's "Sullen Girl":

Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself
All day and all night
I wander the halls along the walls
And under my breath, I say to myself
"I need fuel to take flight"

And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion

circumcolumnar

I have this side of the family that has a certain distinctive facial feature I noticed the other day. The shape or their eyes makes them appear sleepy or sad. And it strikes me as astounding because this particular side of my family (my father's cousins) are these light-skinned individuals with these sort of dull, almost golden or yellow-green hue to their eyes. So they've got these gorgeous eyes almost totally hidden by their eyelids.
I know, I know-- silly of me to obsess over a facial feature, but I think I'm attracted to sad things (like the melancholic look on their faces).
Recently, my parents visited me. Sort of like a check up on how I'm doing since I'm in my first apartment away from home and I'm living that adult way of life, I guess. And what was fun was just hanging out with my parents, not necessarily as their equal, but as a responsible young man and not their child. I noticed nuances in their relationship that I'd never pick up on as a kid. I kind of surprised myself at discovering my parents all over again.
And that's a bit of a double-edged sword with my family. We keep to ourselves, even to each other. It's not as though we hide secrets from each other, but we definitely stay out of each others' business.
For instance, my parents hardly ever discuss the future or being grandparents. When I came out to them, there was a bit of a backlash and the topic got swept under the rug. As it stands now, it's kind of a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" issue-- They don't ask about that side of my life and I don't tell them. I often think about the moment where I enter a serious relationship and the guy wants to meet my parents and I have to explain to him that I might not be able to introduce him as "my boyfriend".
Still, if it's a relationship that gets that serious (which would be a feat for me), I'd despise the idea of keeping it a secret and it'd probably end up being a "This is my boyfriend. Deal with it." kind of thing instead.
Finally, I think I may begin taking pictures again. A few of my friends have told me about 'Project 365' in which you take a picture every day for a year. I've heard it improves your sense for photography. Maybe it'll become a little hobby for me and I can say that I do more than play video games for hours on end (...not that that's a bad thing...)

pollakiuria

One of the fun things about being a vegetarian is everyone else's interest in what you're eating.
Because the most common question I get when people learn I'm a vegetarian is "...well, what do you eat?"
As if humans rely on meat alone.
And I've kind of made it my own brand of vegetarianism in the sense of being adventurous when I go grocery shopping or out to eat. I want to eat new and exciting things that taste different and are better for me... better than a double quarter pounder with cheese and a large fry.
Plus, I don't like eating salads; they're boring.

I've been doing Tai Chi for 6 or 7 years now and while practicing a few weeks ago, I was stunned at the concept of muscle memory.
I was trying to practice Tai Chi Kung-Fu Fan, a new form that I picked up not too long ago, but I couldn't seem to remember the movements due to lack of practice. Yet after a few botched runs, I found myself just moving, allowing my limbs to position themselves.
They knew what they were doing.
And I could only smile.

Lastly, you ever come across a person that's just... unfunny? Like, they tell a joke and it falls flatter than a deck of cards? I mean, it's one thing if it's just a lame joke. But when a person delivers a punchline and no one finds it clever/witty/hilarious, there's this weird neutral moment where the audience just goes "...oh." And maybe you feel a little jipped because you can't get that smidgen of time you took to realize 'Man, you're not funny...' back.

nw

Lately, my life's been reduced to work and video games.
It's all I do.
So when friends/family call and ask what I've been doing lately, I usually reply with "nothing."
And when I say it, I generally mean "Nothing significant" or "Nothing worth mentioning" or "Nothing you'd be interested in hearing".
In fact, sometimes, it really does mean 'nothing'-- I'll just be lying around.

No one is upset by this response more than my previous boyfriend. As usual, he calls and asks what I'm doing and I say it: "Nothing."

"Nothing?" he replies.
And I re-state it: "Nothin'."
"You can't be doing 'nothing'," he says.
And I sort of wish he could see me just shrug my shoulders in response.

For some reason, this bothers him and I recently came across a Facebook status update of his:
(His name) "no longer finds your apathy entertaining, or aloof; he sees it now as common, depressed, and almost as insulting as this."

I'm considering making up grandiose stories to tell him next time he calls and asks what I'm doing.

"Me? Oh, I'm just working on a new flux capacitor for the LHC. What're you up to?"

I grow sick of his insecure bullshit.

spirelet

Sometimes, I seriously don't understand how people can mistake 'loose' for 'lose'.

I mean, come on.

interhybridized

From my phone:

"Y'know what? I'll say it--

What the fuck is wrong with America right now?
I mean, seriously. Something is up.
Because growing up, I don't remember there being this much ignorant douchebaggery going on.
Maybe because I was young and unaware, but lately there have been times where I sit and think "...what the fuck, America?"

For instance, when that damn KFC Doubledown sandwich came out-- a sandwich comprised of two pieces of fried chicken and cheese covered bacon with the 'colonel's sauce'.

What the fuck?

Are you seriously trying to sell me some bacon tossed between two pieces of chicken? Why don't you just sell me a cup of rat poison? Or maybe some ice cream with cyanide sprinkles?

Or like gay marriage.

Who gives two shits about what two people do in their own bedroom? Really though. How is their sex life affecting you? I really want to know. Or even beyond that-- how will their marriage somehow invalidate yours? Why do you care about another person's personal business when it has nothing to do with your own?

And then music now is horrible. Why is nearly everything autotuned? Is talent not necessary anymore? I understand that it's the "in" thing to do... but come on... EVERY song?

Movies now are based off of books, video games, and comic books and all of them are insufferable abominations. Original films are few and far between."

That's as far as I got. I'll admit, yes, I was in irritable mood. But sometimes, the things that pass under America's culture radar surprise me.


On a last note, (another mini-rant, actually), what's the deal with people complaining on Facebook? And I'm not talking "I want a dislike button!" or "Facebook changed again! Boo!" but those people in your News Feed who only have negative things to whine about in status updates.

And it's like... every day, something is going wrong with them. First thing on their mind? "I'll post this on Facebook. My car broke down? Facebook status.
Got fired from my job? Facebook status.
Sick with the flu? Facebook status.
Got my leg sawed in half? Facebook status."
Perhaps they're unaware of each update's negative nature? Maybe they need to just see all of their updates consolidated in one feed to get the hint?

I don't know.
...now I feel like I'm whining.

gyneolatry

For the most part, I really am alone in this state.
Or at least, I feel that way.
I don't have anyone with common interests to hang out with.

It's just me.

But I'm not here to mope.

frae

Bam. Consecutive update. Alright, go me.

Let's see.

The power of words and language is really important to me. I'm always trying to figure out the perfect combination of words to get my point across just right. Along with that, I like listening to other people and the words they use.
For instance, a guy I worked with last night kept referring to me as 'B' (which kind of worked since that's the first letter of my last name). As it turns out, he just calls everyone 'B', just as one would call someone 'bro' or 'dude'. And my mind got to brewing as to the origin of this colloquialism. My mind tried to place it as an East coast thing and I wanted to ask him where he was from but I think I got distracted by something else going on.
But words can mean so much.
I read into the tiniest things... like the difference between "Can I get a..." and "May I have a" or even just "Yeah" vs. "Yes".
To get cosmic with it, I'm a Virgo-- the star sign ruled by Mercury, the planet that governs over communication and language. I think I read somewhere that when a planet goes into retrograde (which I think means that it travels backwards through the astrological whatchamacallit), everything associated with that planet gets jumbled. And since Mercury is currently in retrograde (I think), everything communication and language related gets fucked up.

But whatever.

Also, what's up with all these old, 40-year-old men hitting on me on online dating websites? And why are guys my age either super stupid or ridiculously elitist?
Are there any decent fish left in the ocean?

(Aside from me, of course :D)

rallentando

Was gonna go for a run but decided to blog first.

...about absolutely nothing.

Well, sort of.

I was gonna pick at racial preferences when it comes to significant others.
I mean, what's with that anyway?

You're telling me you'd turn down a fantastic guy with a great personality and credit score because they're (insert race here)? Give me a break.
Maybe it's because I was raised around all different kinds of races and I consider myself a bit on the racially colorblind side, but I dunno.

I mean, it's just skin color. It's super trivial.
Just because they're Asian doesn't mean they won't love you better than an Indian guy.
Just because they're Caucasian doesn't mean they won't love you better than an African-American guy.
Just because they're Hispanic doesn't mean they won't love you better than someone who's mixed races.

It just... doesn't matter.

(But that credit score is kind of a big deal)

olericulturist

I'm just going to write this to get it off my chest.
But I've been fantasizing about this guy at work lately.
Do humans go into heat like animals do? And I don't just mean being aroused. I mean like... craving sexual attention or attraction or whatever for a specific duration of time?
Whatever-- the point is, I've been lusting over a co-worker all week.
And despite his typical manly 'charms' (he smokes, chews tobacco, recklessly spits out sunflower seeds, and is often vocal about his digestive complications, i.e. "Man, I gotta shit real bad."), there's something about him that keeps him as my focus throughout the night.
My eyes tracing the subtle curvature of his forearms and his pronounced chest beneath his shirt.
My mind becomes cloudy with steam, tinkering with thoughts of our bodies colliding over and over again, doing their darnedest to become one (I'm sure my glasses fog up too).
My ears crave the sound of his grunting, his panting, maybe a moan of pleasure or just a simple "Fuck!"
And my skin just wants to be against his, thirsty for his sweat and desperate for the tiny ridges of his fingers.

I could attribute all this tension to not getting laid in the past five and a half, almost six months (minus a blow job or two but those don't really count to moi).

But man...

tetrabranchiate

Thanks for the reminder.

I have to keep reminding myself that dating websites don't represent 100% of the available men in your specific area.
So there probably is a cute, undiscovered and compatible guy out there.
We just have to find each other.
From my phone:
"I'm fascinated by peoples' fascination when they realize how talkative I'm not. A lot of times, you hear of people complaining that a person talks too much. So when a person doesn't, it's an oddity.
And it's not even like I'm some stoic mute; I just choose not to ramble endlessly about pointless shit that no one cares about.

(Then again, that's what this blog is all about, huh?)"

kayo

For a while, I had a few mini entries typed up on my phone. I saved them with the intention of posting them here.
They were merely inane observations I thought up while watching the sun rise.
To be honest, I thought they were pretty nice.

Notice the past tense.

I lost 'em.

I recently loaded a new OS on my phone which, in turn, wiped everything (i.e. contacts, settings, Office Mobile blog entries, etc). So I'm back to the choppin' block.

I went running this morning on this bridge near my apartment. Sun was on its way up as I gasped for air. Lately, sunrises have mesmerized me... nay, inspired me.

Hard to say why though.

coelostat

No one reads this and that's fine to me.
I need to stop wanting to make out with boys. I'm unsure if that falls under 'oral fixation' territory, but kissing is one of my favorite activities and in the presence of cute boys, I just want to cut the chitchat and say "I'd like to kiss you."
I doubt that'd go over well in most situations though.
Spent an ungodly amount of money on clothes today.
(Actually, I'm spending a little more as I type. Thank God for online shopping.)
I've been on vacation since last week and I've spent a lot of it running around, catching up with friends, and getting fat.
Which is bad since I need to get in shape.
Why is fitness super important lately?
Everyone's talking about losing weight or gaining muscle or dieting or portion control or whatever.
Sometimes I'm amazed with cultural fixations.
Like social networking or reality t.v. or Livestrong bracelets.
There's almost always a time when the U.S. (or the world) just... latches onto things.

Remember the Macarena?

hereat

What hasn't been on my mind lately? Let's make this simple, yes?

Saw a friend's performance in a dance recital. I now want to have sex with said friend.
Something about applause for people makes me want to cry.
I'm wondering why I'm such a workaholic.
On the note of being a workaholic, when will I set aside time to actually try and develop a romantic relationship with a person?
On the note of romantic relationships, how do I even begin to explore that territory while being in a glass coffin when it comes to my sexuality and my parents/extended family.
I hate breaking hearts but it's become so routine.

trochaic

I like to travel.
It's why I picked the job I have now.
But I hate the process that leads up to travel (...mainly packing my clothes).
There's also a bit of anxiety I get. What if I miss my flight? What if security freaks out over some mundane item I have in my bag? What if my plane bursts into flames mid flight? What if my luggage gets lost?

Shit like that.

So on my most current expedition, I missed my flight. It left at 6:45 a.m. and I tried to check in at 6:20 a.m.
Now, for the record, I know-- get to the airport at least an hour or two before your flight takes off. However, I don't think my roommate would have been down with waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning, considering he got off work late the night before and has to work a full day tomorrow (...er today... whatever).

Long story short, I was late because of him (granted, I agreed to leave the house at the time he designated... but I'm still miffed).

So now I'm in this weird limbo, trying to snag another flight to get home, waiting in the airport... next flight isn't 'til around 11:40 a.m... the time that I would've been home had I NOT missed my flight.

I'm not angry.


(Pfft, yeah... keep tellin' yourself that, kid)

tetragonurus

Yeah, so blogging from my phone = distorting my posts so I'll go ahead and edit them so they at least resemble a coherent thought.
Now while I don't want this to turn into a blog where I complain about relationships, I did want to mention the current development in my latest one.
You see, my old boyfriend (for some reason 'ex-boyfriend' has a negative connotation to me) called the other night and he brought up being with me... again. And it came down to him saying "I think you should wait for me to get my degree in two years."
Hold the phone.
You want me to wait two years for you? And then what? Because currently, I don't know where I'll be in two years. Certainly it'd be different if, in two years, there was a definite possibility that he and I could get back together. But waiting for the unknown? I'll pass.
And he got upset and was asking these questions and after saying that he hated me and calling me a bastard I finally told him that he brought all of this on himself.
He brought all of this unnecessary drudgery into what was once a peaceful and mutual ending to our fantastic relationship. We both hung up and he called back not too soon after that (like he always does) but I didn't respond.
And I don't think I will for a while... for his sake and mine.


Lastly, on another note, writing this felt good. Not so much in the sense of telling the internet about my drama, but just the fact that I'm writing again. And while it's about something easy, i.e. my life, it's still putting my thoughts/feelings into words.

Now, to get back into writing fiction. That's another entry...

cleromancy

I said I'd stop this faux-twittering bullshit, but I find that when I'm standing in a club/party and there's little for my hands to do, I think "This is a perfect time to blog," mainly because I think more about social concepts/ideas when I'm watching people interact in a club setting. My thoughts mainly consist of "...why are they doing that?" and I try to wrap my head around why a specific style or dance or whatever is as popular as it is at the moment.

...Lastly, I'm perturbed that this mini-blog will be segmented into five parts and, for that matter, out of order. Wonder if I could just upload a Word document or something. Guess I'll ponder that on my next outing.

...and this is feeling way too much like Twitter... so I think I'll relax for a bit and just resort to jotting down notes on paper.

When someone says "Hey, I have something to tell you but I'll tell you later," is there a polite way to just be like "Why don't you just tell me now, dick, since you've pulled me aside JUST to tell me that"?

...I'm also concerned about the eerie similarity mobile blogging has to Twitter (and, man, do I loathe Twitter).

Blogging from my phone... I'm unsure if this is a step in the right direction, a waste of time, or a big 'ol mistake.

discountenancing

I moved in February and my boyfriend at the time and I agreed that a relationship wouldn't work because of the uncertainty of both of our futures.
But he still calls and we still talk and he's having trouble coping.
"I miss you so much," he says, with the delicacy of a flower petal.
"I just wish you were here; I want to kiss you," he tenderly says.
And he tells me that he cannot, for the life of him, get me out of his head.
Granted, we had a wonderful relationship while it lasted and hearing him say such things is a romantic's delight...
But I'm not too much of a romantic. And I sit on the other end of the phone and just... listen to him.
"I miss you too," I'll say, but in my mind it's Yes, I miss you... but not enough to call you nearly every day.

athwart

I think one of the main reasons I've stopped writing is that I stay in my head all day, thinking and daydreaming and wasting all that creative mojo.
Yes, I carry a notebook with me and I have Word on my phone... but sometimes I just think. And that's that.

chloroquine

Dated March 22, 2010 (Slow day at work; decided to write):
Your skin is flawless
A lake of silenced water
Beyond Perfection

----------------


She found nothing spectacular about her actions. As the fists hurdled toward her, she'd close her eyes and move, her body responding so naturally. Cries erupted as limbs were snapped, bruises delivered; her opponents would simply crumble.
A lethal beauty, often described as having a demeanor like water-- at times, calm and still, yet raging and unforgiving when disturbed.
It perplexed those around her. How could someone be so enigmatic? Close details were unknown. Rumors were rampant.She's a genetic experiment.
She was raised by Buddhist monks.
She singlehandedly took down a small army.
She knows where Jimmy Hoffa is.

----------------------

The two pieces aren't related-- just something I typed up on my phone (Microsoft Word on my phone? Yes, please). Three years ago I promised myself I'd write more but couldn't move my fingers from underneath a vicious and unrelenting Writer's Block.
To be honest, I don't know what I'm doing here and I can't tell you (whoever the hell you are) what to expect.

Reboot

...


Aw, fuck.