dulia

I just had an entire conversation with myself about why I don't write.

Then I realized that writing about why I don't write (for the billionth time) is probably the better way to go about it.

(I also just finished eating a salad for dinner, which strongly reminded me of the reason I don't like salads-- they're boring.)

Anyway, ever since I learned what a rough draft was (probably, like, 3rd or 4th grade), I've hated it. I never liked the idea of it, primarily because, at such a young age, I somehow gleaned that my writing was the shit. And the good grades proved to be proof enough that I didn't need rough drafts-- what I wrote was gold.
Eventually, I'd just write two copies of whatever the assignment was and label one the rough draft (maybe change a word or two) and call it a day. That's probably when my inner editor was born. I continued writing in this way through junior high and high school. Whatever I wrote was always the final product.
And perhaps that's evolved into what plagues me to this day. Despite the fact that I'm not turning in any of my work into an instructor for a grade, when I write, I write as if it's the final draft and therefore no mistakes can be made. Cue the constant deleting and backtracking and frustration because a sentence or, hell, a whole page just 'doesn't sound right'.

In any case, I'm looking to The Writing Prompts subreddit this NaNoWriMo to kickstart my brain into creating anything. Ideally, the outcome will be a collection of short stories. We'll see how it goes.
Another idea I've mulled about in my head is writing a story from the perspective of a character in a video game. Not the main character, obviously. A lot of that boils down to which game and, I guess, trying to avoid simply retelling the entire plot of the game.

We'll see.

borassus

So when I'm bored at work, sometimes I'll get lost in the seemingly endless pages of tvtropes.org, just reading about varies tropes used in assorted media (mostly video games).
On one hand, it's fun because it kind of gives my mind something to play with in regards to writing. It helps me think of what kind of character I'd create for a story and how to make them interesting or how to provide some kind of conflict for them.
On the other hand, it's annoying because I deeply want to write something that engages me; something that will spur me to continue until the story is complete. A lot of times, when I begin writing fiction, I get a glimpse of what the outcome of the plot will be and that knowing will defeat me because the middle is such a big mess to figure out.
Another thing: I'm in constant fear that any idea I get has been done already or isn't of my own creation. I'm inspired by various different works in different media (music, art, literature, etc.), but I'm worried I'll subconsciously plagiarize something and get called out for it.
My mind is telling me there's a book on that-- coming up with unique or creative ideas. I'll have to look into that.
I could go on into the many variables of my writer's block/paralysis/coma, but I think a good chunk of my hesitation/frustration is fear.
I think know I'm afraid my work will sound stupid or unoriginal or childish. I also know I'm a fool for thinking I'll suddenly be a brilliant writer without getting through some rough drafts.

Get it together. Get it together.

cursion

I had to look and see when I last updated.
Also had to stop myself from typing 'Facebook.com' into the URL bar again. I mean, you can only check it so many times. I've been going back and forth on the topic of deleting (read: not deactivating) my Facebook. At the risk of sounding elitist or obnoxious or whatever, Facebook really isn't what it used to be.
It may be my imagination or something but before all the games and ads and suggestions and relentless sharing of memes and other image macros (italics for extreme emphasis), Facebook was just a really convenient way for me to keep in touch with friends when I moved away from my hometown.
Granted, there are some folks I DO still actively communicate with via Facebook, but it's beginning to bother me how much I've grown to loathe the internet presence of others on my News Feed.
Perhaps I should go through and weed out my Friends list to tailor my Facebook experience to a less irritating experience... perhaps.

In my last entry, I provided a list of games and books that I hadn't finished at that time.

I still haven't finished them.
I really need a class on time management.

And speaking of classes, I intend to buckle down and return to school. As far as deciding on a major, that's another story. I'm torn between majoring in English, Linguistics, Japanese, or something like Speech/Communications. I know I'll have to do some research on that. Originally, I was going to order my official transcript from the community college I attended back in '04-'07, but thinking back on the large amount of fuckery I engaged in and the influence it had on my grades (for the classes I actually stayed enrolled in), it may be better to just start from scratch. I'm just really crossing my fingers in the hopes that I don't fall into old habits; thinking about it now, that's probably what's held me back-- I'm afraid to fuck it up.

enzootic

See?
I always come back.

(Which holds extremely true since I started this entry on the 4th of February and am just now completing it on the 18th.)

Was called in to work today and figured it'd be perfect for me to write since I'd be alone. I can always read or write more effectively when I'm isolated. I think my main distraction is video games, primarily because I have so many that I need to complete.
What games, you ask?

 Let's see... off the top of my head...:
Tales of Graces F (PS3)
Tales of Vesperia (XBox 360)
Tales of the Abyss (Nintendo 3DS)
Resonance of Fate (PS3)
Xenoblade Chronicles (Wii)
Ni No Kuni (PS3)
Breath of Fire IV (PSP)
The Last Story (Wii)
*Final Fantasy XIII (PS3)
XCOM: Enemy Unknown (XBox 360)

...there may be more. In any case, most are RPGs (XCOM is more Strategy/Tactical) and I've got hours upon hours to play until completion. Part of me feels like, in a sense, video games are my 'books'.
And I guess I use that term loosely since I'm reading actual books too.
That list includes:
Lolita (Vladimir Nabokov)
American Psycho (Bret Easton Ellis)
All Quiet on the Western Front (Erich Maria Remarque)
Before I Go To Sleep (S. J. Watson)
The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs (Chuck Klosterman)
The God Delusion (Richard Dawkins)
If You Want to Write (Brenda Ueland)
After Dark (Haruki Murakami)

And there are a couple more beyond those but I'm sure you get the idea.
I'm busy.
If anything, I need some kind of schedule to manage the two so I can do them equally. Lately, I just read at work (we have a LOT of down time) and play games while at home. Perhaps when I've shortened the lists, I can focus on writing more. I say it time and time again but in the office of my mind, I haven't cut funding to that section and I don't intend to. I guess you could say it's in its R&D phase right now. Perhaps that's what I'll devote this year to-- completion of my lists and, hopefully toward the end of the year, ACTIVELY participating in NaNoWriMo.
Fingers crossed.






(* = This is gonna be a tough one to finish because I've already made up my mind about how much I don't like. Then again, part of me wants to see how the shit show ends, so...)

calycle

I promised myself I'd update before the year ended.
Since September, I've moved in with my boyfriend and his dog, saw Florence and the Machine in concert, fell deeper in love with my new car (it's just so fantastic), met up with some local family members for Thanksgiving, played a whole lot of video games, and discovered new music.
I know it's a recurring topic I mention, but I seriously need to get in shape. My career depends on it, quite literally. I have to work on my self-discipline; when it comes to making myself work out, I'll think of a ton of reasons as to why I shouldn't. Still, I know I need to kick it into high gear and get it together.

...also, seeing as how I'm at a loss for words, I feel as though I need to work up to writing more and jotting down things I want to write about other than games, music, and my boring 'ol life. I bought a Nook from one of my friends a while back and I appreciate how convenient it's made reading. While I still love classic books, e-books on a tablet are definitely easier to carry. Only issue is I find myself getting caught up in multiple books at the same time, making it a bit hard for me to focus; I have to concentrate on one book at a time to fully pay attention to what's going on. Otherwise, I just read the words while my mind wanders.
Gotta keep a leash on it, y'know.

clangorously

Recently, I took some time off from work (and, regrettably, this blog).
But sitting around, doing nothing, allows my brain to stew in its own thoughts and really reflect on where my life's going and my happiness.
Coming back to my hometown, I'm surrounded by reminders of my past, from old pictures in my parent's house to sights around the neighborhood I grew up in, and even random encounters with faces I haven't seen in a while.
Today, as I was leaving a used bookstore, I heard someone call my name. I turned and before me was my eighth grade English teacher. She was easily one of my favorite teachers growing up. We hugged and caught up on each others lives. She laughed when I told her I was strongly considering becoming an English teacher.
But aside from the joy of seeing a familiar face, that chill of nostalgia I got from meeting her again was all too surreal. It's tricky for me to put into words. I felt really good though. As I was telling her about how I was doing, I had the feeling that she was proud of me. I wasn't speaking to brag about my endeavors, but more in a sense of 'you-were-an-influential-person-in-my-life-so-I-just-thought-you-should-know-that-I'm-doing-well'. Silly me failed to get any sort of contact information so I could keep in touch, but the encounter was somehow rejuvenating; I sang in my car all the way home.
It was really great to see her again.
Speaking of cars, I got a new one. And what makes it a bit of a big deal is that a) it's exactly the kind I've wanted for the past three years and b) I'm paying for it all by myself. The whole process was a bit nerve-wracking; after so many horror stores I had read or heard about, I was afraid of getting short-handed by a sneaky car salesman.
Luckily, my dad was around to barter (read: harass) the guy into giving me a good deal on the car. And I'm beyond satisfied. Today, I spent a few hours just driving it, testing it's capabilities. Getting to know it, y'know?
Finally, I've been looking into updating my wardrobe. Plain 'ol jeans and t-shirts aren't cutting it for me anymore.  I think I'm leaning to a more basic but still fashionably appealing look (...I don't even know if that makes sense). But it all comes down to doing a lot of shopping, which I'll have to be careful about, considering I've got my first car payment looming close by.
I'm not too bothered about it.

actuator

Every time I shake off the apathy and get the courage to write something, I'll admit, I feel a little rejuvenated. It's like a generous glass of water after a journey through the desert. It's this feeling that helps me recognize that, no matter how long of a hiatus I take from writing or how uninspired I may feel, it's still there-- that passion for words. The fire may settle a little and dim, but it never dies.
I am a writer.
Anyway, I'm getting older and, with that, my attitude towards life has shifted. I can't quite grasp what my thoughts were before or when the change happened, but it's a sudden realization that there's only one shot at experiencing everything this world has to offer. And I want to experience so much. Details elude me-- I don't know how I'm going to get from point A to point B when it comes to getting out to get messy and make mistakes, but I intend to trust my instincts to recognize opportunities when they appear.
I suppose, until then, I'll continue to do what I do: play games, discover new music, read (and finish!) a book or two, take a crack at writing more fiction (!). We'll see.