undersward

I honestly just can't wrap my head around it.
How he can be so starved for my attention.
He calls and texts with updates on his life and inquiries into mine.
"How's your boyfriend?
Does he make your guts turn?
Did I?"
Each conversation, he creates these spaces in which I see him in all his jealousy and frustration and vanity. His 'causal' attempts to lull me into memories of the two of us.
"I love you so much, it's pitiful."
And I couldn't agree more. I have nearly direct control of this guy's emotions and I don't have to do very much at all. Despite the countless times I've told him that moving on would help him in getting over me, still he clings.
He's constantly creating these fallacies about me and about what goes on between us.
He thinks I'm jealous of him because he's going to art school (Right. I'm jealous. Even though I'm sittin' on money to go back to school in a few years, I'm jealous of his education. Yeah. Right.)
He thinks I pray to Buddha because I told him I'm not exactly Christian and that I do Tai Chi (FYI folks, Tai Chi =/= Buddhism. Also, no one prays to Buddha).
He tries to impress me by name dropping famous philosophers or photographers or clothing labels and then tries to hide his hurt ego when it turns out I know more about the topic than he does.
"I can't stand people who correct others. It smells of insecurity and the need for attention," he says. Rewind to an earlier text message in which he grilled me about my usage of punctuation in quotations (where I was right, by the way).

It's just become so sad and partially amusing, just as a cat plays with its dead prey. All of the thrill and excitement is gone. Only the carcass is left and even that's losing its appeal.
The more he drags this on, the less I find myself caring for him. Its become a sort of game where each time he says he loves me or misses me, I think of a way to avoid returning the sentiment because I just can't bring myself to say those things, let alone type them.
And I think I've said this before but the primary reason I remain in contact with him is because he provides entertainment, if it were me, I'd hate for someone to abruptly ignore me or tell me off because I'm trying to maintain a friendship.

Then again, if it were me, I doubt I'd be going about it the way he is.

coruscation

Figured I'd post before the year ends.
Y'know, to round things out.
This time last year I was gearing up for a four month vacation in the sand (read: deployment). I didn't get to go home for Christmas/New Year's due to the uncertainty of when everyone was leaving for the deployment.
This year, I didn't go home for the holidays due to uncertainty of how my office was going to split things up. Normally, we get to choose which week of work we want off (Christmas or New Year's) and the other person works the week that you're off.
But since I'm in a new office with a new supervisor, this week kind of dragged on without any sort of plans being established. My supervisor apologized for the mishap (since, y'know, HE'S going on vacay next week) and gave me the next few days off, which I intend to use to catch up on video games and take care of little errands before the New Year.

I've been reading a lot about Japanese traditions lately and I came across the idea of the yamato nadeshiko, or 'the perfect Japanese woman'. She's kind and graceful, a somewhat tall woman with modest breasts and straight bangs. And while she's sweet and gentle, she's not without her iron will and won't let you trample all over her or the ones she cares about. Surprise, surprise, 'nadeshiko', is also the Japanese name for a particular wildflower:

If you recall there was another flower that I was intrigued by not too long ago. I'm discovering that I really like flowers. I guess, more accurately, I like the lore/mythology behind flowers. I think it's safe to blame it all on the story of Narcissus, who turned into a flower after staring at his reflection for too long.
Not that I want to turn into a flower or anything... but I definitely want flower tattoos.
I mean, don't even get me started on the lotus tattoo I've started dreaming about...