deltaic

You know what, I'm going to admit it:

There's a part of me that's interested in doing adult entertainment.
I'm talking porn or stripping/dancing or even just being an escort.
I don't know what it is (and this goes beyond just being sexless for the past four months).
It's just this lingering idea in my mind. I'm intrigued by it all, really. I want to know how it works. I want to know why it works. I just want to know what it's like.
Whether I actually act on this impulse is still kind of up in the air. I mean, if a good opportunity presented itself, I'd definitely mull it over in my head.
Is this... strange or odd? It's just another line of work, right? It's... like a more extreme version of acting because it's based around sex-- something so natural and instinctual, just packaged up and put on a shelf for a customer to purchase.
Just thinking about it brings this odd grin to my face. I honestly don't know how to explain it. I wouldn't consider it a fantasy... hell, I don't know what to make of it. I just know that when I watch porn or go-go boys dancing or read escort ads on Craigslist, mentally I'm just like "...pfft, I could do that."

This probably stems from my love life (or lack thereof). I'm no stranger to one-time encounters and that disconnect between having sex and making love has become easier over time; the guys I've messed with are faceless compared to the boyfriends I've had.
It also probably stems from the notion that, for the most part, I sort of feel undesirable. Granted, I carry enough confidence to keep myself from being unnecessarily pessimistic, but with my track record, it's obvious that I'm not a top contender when it comes to being 'on the market'.
With adult entertainment, only those interested will bite the lure and for that instant, you're everything they want. You are flawless and serve one purpose-- their satisfaction. You don't have to worry about being rejected-- those not interested simply pass you by for whatever tickles their fancy.
Maybe it does come from a self-esteem deficit...


...but to be wanted...